Fifty Shades of Grey’s redundant companion novel Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian (as written by author E. L. James) was released yesterday. Its lead character is mysterious, precocious, spoiled, aloof, hard-headed, deeply affectionate, and a man’s penis. Christian Grey’s sex organ is busier than a termite in a sawmill in the newest chapter of the Fifty Shades saga. Here is an exhaustive catalog of the 39 things that Christian’s cock does and has done to it in this text, as reported by its owner:

It concurs.

It agrees.

It agrees, and stiffens in greeting.

It tightens on account of a grin.

It expands to bursting at the thought.

It hardens in response.

It hardens further.

It responds in appreciation, hardening further.

It rouses in anticipation.

It twitches with expectation.

It twitches in agreement.

It twitches in response.

It stirs.

It stirs with approval.

It gets stirred.

It gets eyed.

It gets free.

It gets covered.

It gets wrapped.

It gets rigid.

It gets positioned.

It gets grabbed.

It gets grabbed again.

It gets a fist.

It gets fingers.

It gets cradled.

It picks up a transmission, like an antenna.

It hosts echoes.

It retains memory of teeth.

It retains memory of mouth.

It imaginarily goes into Anastasia’s mouth.

It’s a tail. Oh wait...nevermind.

It slides.

It slides quickly.

It disappears.

It disappears and reappears.

It presses.

It rests.

It features in a dream that’s also a poem.

Phew. What a frantic couple of weeks.

Just to be clear, the proceeding list documents only those activities that occupied the time of Christian Grey’s cock in Grey. His dick got up to its own mischief: